~Cuz I'm broken when I'm open and I don't feel like I am strong enough.  Cuz I'm broken when lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away.  Cuz I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone.  You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore.~ Seether & Amy Lee~ Broken

This is one of the most beautiful songs ever.  I'm listening to it now, thinking about so many things with such a mixture of emotions that it will be hard to put them into words.  I will try.

Yesterday, everyone from my mother's side of the family got together to celbrate St. Patrick's day as a family.  All except for the part that lives in PA.  We had a wonderful time eating, talking, and laughing all day.  MY mom really went all out on her decorating.  We enjoyed a traditional Irish dinner of corned beef, mashed potatoes, and cooked cabbage and carrots.  Afterwards, my cousins, mother, aunt, dad, and I all sat in the dinining room drinking chocolate raspberry coffee and savoring cinnamon sugar topped pisatchio pudding cake.  We go to reversing all of our names and laughing so hard we cried.  For example my dad's name ended up being Drawde Sicnarf.  LMAO.  Several times, I sat back and looked around at the beauty of these moments and my mother's house in all of it's festive glory and really missed my grandma.  She died two days before mother's day almost 6 years ago.  I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter Jamie at the time.

It was all very sudden.  For a few months, she had been complaining that her leg hurt.  One day, she collapsed.  She was hospitalized and very sick.  She had a blood clot in her leg that had broken up and traveled into her upper body.  There was nothing they could do.  For two weeks, I traveled back and forth from Clinton, where I was living at the time to Cleveland.  My son still remembers tossing pennys into the fountain at the hospital as I sat tossing them in one after another wishing and praying that she would get better.  The blood clots caused my grandmother to go into multi system organ faliure and she went into a coma.  They kept her on high doses of morphine to dull the pain and for a few days she was on a ventilator in ICU.  The day before she died, I went in and told her how much I loved her and tried so hard not to cry as I held her hand.  I told her that she was going to be with the angels that she loved so much and not to be scared.  I told her how much I wished that she could see the new great grandchild that she had been looking forward so much and asked her to look after her and be her angel.  I lost a child shortly before I got pregnant with Jamie, and I asked her to tell that baby how much I loved it and to look after it until I got to meet it someday.  Two days later, on mother's day, we were at her wake. 

I had my daughter a little over a month later.  Her arrival dulled the still very new pain of my grandmother's passing for the family.  Since I had a C-section, I came home 3 days later to my mother's so she could help to take care of me and Michael, who was only 2 at the time while Jim was at work.  Three days out of the hospital, my aunt Jackie called to say that my cousin Joey and his girlfriend were killed in a car accident.  I can't even beging to describe the devestation my family felt.  Just a month and a half agao, we were all together, burrying the woman we loved so much, and here we were again so soon...

Anyway...yesterday, I thought often of my grandmother and how much she loved the holidays and food.  She LOVED to eat.  I know she is often with us in spirit.  I know she watches after us all and I dream of her often.  As happy as yesterday was, it wasn't the same without her.  There will always be a part of the table where I look at with longing.  She is loved and she is missed dearly.  She was a beautiful, strong, Irish woman who loved her family and I hope that we will all be reunited again someday.  She would be happy at how close we all have become since her and Joey's death.  That taught us how much we love and need each other.

My son is very sick today with a high fever.  His little cheeks are all flushed and his eyes have that glossy, bleary look.  He's napping now.  Jim left this morning for North Carolina and then is dead heading out to D.C.  I will most likely not see him again until Thursday night...and that is if they don't work Friday.  So this song only seemed so fitting with all of the things weighing on my mind and heart right now.  It applies to the ones that we have lost and miss.  It applies to the ones that are still with us, but gone, even if only for the moment.  Some people we love so much, that we truly are broken without them.  Lonliness is a horrible thing to go through.  I can't tell you how much I savor my friends for that very reason.  Bless them for keeping me comapny so often, and making sure that I am okay.  I would be lost without them.

This wasn't really a rant, but I do feel better for having said it.  I'm going to go write some more.  I got another chapter of SS done and I am dying to get to the meat of the story!  Yeaaaaahhhhh!  Have a great Monday ya'll.

What a beautiful post TT. You have me in tears. I'm sure your Grandma was looking down on yesterdays festivities and smiling at your laughter and love. Hugs & LOVE TT!

I already told ya I was thinking of Michael...there is no worse feeling for a mother then a sick child. I will be Thinking of Jim on his long lonely trip and TT...My thoughts and love are always with you.

Howdy there! I got the feelin we were both in the same kinda state o' mind, ! I'm not so much DOWN as feeling frustrated -

This is, you really made me think, reflect and ponder, . I haven't known loneliness in ages - since I was in my early twenties and had first moved from PA to D.C. Your words allowed me to get in touch with that long stored away feeling, and to ponder on the passing of my own loved ones back when I was young.

TO say thanks, for sharing, sound inane - but I want you to know that sharing like this makes you all the more real for me, and shows me we're more connected that we might have thought!

Hugs and have a great rest of the day!

I feel ya B:-? Everyone gets a little out of sorts, and that is ok. It's what we are here for. I thought the post was a lovely tribute to your grandma and the family in general. That is a haunting song too, it's bound to make you think.
Much loooooovvvveee.

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