Move over Joan of Arc, there's a new martyr in town. I'm sorry people. You might not want to read this post because this is going to be an all out rant...no holds barred and yeah I am letting Dino out to play on this one. I'm tired of telling him to shut up and hearing his fucking yap anyway, often all night. *yes I do so shut up*
I knew better. I fucking KNEW better than to go nosing around. I was in a semi decent mood because my slash baby got voted through and Ryan was all happy and smiling and those emerald/jade eyes of his were just all sparkly. I got on and what do I do? Play the FUCKING FOOL. I went where I had no business going out of some morbid sense of curiosity and now I am sitting here with my blood boiling.
Okay so she has had a rough time lately. We all go through stuff like that but I'll just say, sorry for your loss. Been there and it ain't easy. But why in the fucking HELL must I be drug into things? I have been minding my own FUCKING business and staying to myself. Who I forgive and why is MY fucking business. Get a grip and face some facts here. Quit blaming the choices that you make for yourself (oh wait, I'm sorry, not capable of doing that...let everyone ELSE make for you because you know can't be an adult, stand up for yourself or make your own decisions..,OR maybe you did and just didn't have the FUCKING BALLS to admit it on your own and passed the blame elsewhere. At this point I could really give a bald rat's ass either way and I REALLY do mean that) ANYWHOO...Don't say beyond their control, or out of my control, because that is SUCH LAME PATHETIC motherFUCKING BULLSHIT.
If you make a decision, and I don't care if the fucking Pope himself is advising you...YOU make it. No one can force you to do anything in life. NO ONE. Each and every decision we make as adults is our own. Maybe it is influenced by the ones we respect and love, maybe it's one of the heart. I love my mom with every fiber of my being. I'm a total fucking mamma's girl and damn proud of it. I am who and how I am because of my mom. And yeah, a big part of me loves Jim. But I would be damned to hell and back if I would EVER let them tell me what to do, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what to wear, eat, etc... DAMNED and they know that. Real love never DEMANDS ultimatums it is about compromise and growth. In fact Jim told me I was not going out any buying a new keyboard. Two minutes later I was out the door. I am an adult, I make my choices in life. You get treated like a kid or like shit, it's because YOU tolerate it, you ALLOW it and I hate to say it but fucking wake the fuck up. IT IS NOT BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. At least be woman enough to admit that much.
I find it easier to forgive people who never swore to the fucking heavens and back that I could trust them, that they loved me, that they would never ever hurt me and couldn't live without me in their life even for a day...Than someone who did all that and then tossed me into the fucking trash to die. I forgive people easier who never guilted me into feeling like shit for not spending every available second with them...for paying more attention to my muses....FUCK I gave up every fucking friend I had for a while and writing...why??? To make YOU happier. I get a mother fucking cock sucking letter on Christmas DAY telling me that you can't talk to me ever again, not to call you, not to write, not to text...because it was not what you wanted but other people. That is NOT beyond your control and honestly you fucking killed me. I meant so little to you that you just threw me out like a piece of TRASH and then...ohh...*chuckles* THEN you have the fucking audacity to try to sneak around behind your husband's back because you don't have the gumption to stick up for yourself. As always, I was the strong one. I refused to call you at work because in some sick way I cared enough to try and get you to move on and stay away from me for your own fucking good. I'm am a mean, vindictive piece of shit, just like my muse and YOU of all people should know that.
So, I stumble across your rant today, stupidly because like a moth drawn to a flame, maybe I was looking to get burnt. Maybe I WANTED this and was secretly hoping for it so I could let go of all this shit that I have held inside for so long. Since your rant was obviously about me...I hope you know this one is about you. I hope you read it and think really fucking hard about everything that I have said here. Because NOW I am really laying it all on the line. Why the fuck do you whine about no one taking interest in you or caring? Fuck me....Ok I get that. I'm fucking scum and shit that isn't even worth hearing the words from your own mouth. Why the fuck do you bother sending April E-mails and jokes but never once to say hi or talk to her? What the fucking hell did she ever do to you? Wasn't she supposed to be your friend? You want people to care about you and be a part of your life it's a two way street there baby. And Shari? She is the sweetest person on the face of the Earth and as far as I know has NEVER done or said a bad thing to or about anybody. Her heart is like gold while mine is black as coal thanks to people like you my whole fucking life. So what did she EVER do to you? The FEW misunderstandings however MINOR, I might have had with my TT, my TRUE twin and maybe the ONLY friend who ever had my best interests at heart and really DID care about me...and maybe the only person I will ever fucking trust completely besides my mom...While none of your fucking business just know we have confronted each and every one of them and talked them out. Looking back I see 99% of the tension we had was all because of you and the jealousy you had of our bond. Nothing will EVER break that. If it can withstand you, the drama, and everything else, it can withstand ANYTHING.
As for what happened last summer, I too once made the same mistake and if I want to forgive someone who is another of the most genuine, compassionate people I have ever met...(and is probably appalled at this B/Dino rant) especially for something as easily mistaken as fucking AOL and their BS IPS....I WILL and that is MY prerogative. It is my choice who to forgive when it is my soul and my hurt, my friends. I knew these people long before you and in case you hadn't noticed, they are around LONG after you. Remember mindya and fucking apply here..now. They have NEVER ever hurt me like you and they never will. I do forgive that to some extent, but not when you make sad pathetic excuses like "beyond control" and bitch about how things are. You make your bed lie in it. If you shit and get your nose rubbed in it...your bad.
Oh and one last thing...I always did love Dino more and you were so fucking right. He never did like you...probably because he KNEW who and what you REALLY were all about and that I would get hurt. Hell he was leaping for fucking joy and grinning for days when you left. But thanks. You taught me to listen to his Italian ass even more and if you don't like this post, thank him. He never could stand tolerating you and he really fucking doesn't like you now. I have to say, I'm feeling quite the same, so please find something in your life to gripe about besides me and be HAPPY for the choices that you made and stick to them. Stay the fuck away from me. I don't like that shit it drags up or the side of Dino I have to hear every time your name pops up somewhere. Trust me I WILL be doing the same, and that includes anything ANYTHING that has to do with you. ANYTHING at all. I was disposable like trash to you...well KNOW you are fucking dead to Dino and me. Hope you enjoy life with the "warden" and hope he doesn't get all Souder like on you. Then again, maybe I fucking do. I'm outta here.