I don't know.  All I do know is this is my journal and I have been undergoing some serious break downs in private.  I need to think aloud and get things off of my chest.  It seems crazy, to even be sad in my position.  I mean, I have a great family.  My mother, God bless her heart has done a pretty damn good job raising me and I think we are closer than any mother and daughter I know.  I'm buying my first home and it is well over 100K.  Hell of a starter home.  At 25, my income is now in the triple digits...but I'm not happy.  I feel so empty inside.  There is so much truth to the saying that money can't buy happiness.  Even though I look around and am doing so much better than almost anyone I know...I would trade places with them in a heart beat.

I try to fill all the voids in my life with superficial relationships.  With keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think.  School...family...work...writing.  All I have managed to do is run myself into the ground with exhaustion and stess.  I read that Ryan is much the same way, and I wonder if maybe it isn't for the same reasons.  If I have five minutes to myself, I guarantee that my mind will wander and my heart will break.  How can one person who has so much feel that way?  It's actually a very simple answer, really.  Lonliness...the feeling of never really being complete.

I have my mother.  That's really it.  I think.  Those of you that know me, know yeah, I share my house with a man one or two nights a week if that.  It's so hard to go through life and not have anyone to really share it with.  Not the laughter, not the joy, not the tears.  Absense doesn't bother me...it's the fact that even when I do see him...we don't do those things.  I think sometimes it's just convenient for both of us...I do my thing, he does his.  I take care of him when he's around and he takes care of me when he isn't.  All the money in the world can't replace love or fill the void inside.  It just doesn't and any woman who thinks it does or would trade one for the other is insane.  I don't know what to do.  Sometimes, I just crave love so much...attention...just someone knowing that I am alive.  I'm someone who exists and is worth knowing.

I'm more brave in here than in person.  I feel like this is private because only maybe one person who REALLY knows me and who I am reads this.  Otherwise, I guess I'm a hard person to really get close to.  I must be..I don't know.  I have tons of aquaintances, but I sat down and thought about this last night.  I only have one FRIEND.  One person that I can talk to about anything, besides my mom.  That if I am lonely, I can pick up the phone and call.  Sometimes, I just want to talk...to hear another person's voice, have a conversation. 

I don't know why that is.  There are very few people that I have been close with in my life.  One is out of the country with her husband and has been for the last few years.  When she comes home, it's great...when she's gone, it's like a tiny part of me is missing.  The rest of them...for some reason or another, at one point has turned around and bit me in the ass.  I guess I have a cursed knack for only believing the best about people when I do begin to feel close to them.  Once I do, I will love ya to death and become VERY loyal.  I would die for my friends.  Heh...they tend to be the ones that kill me though.

I just feel like I am wandering through life alone.  Very...and completely alone.  How much can one girl do with her mom?  MY mom is the coolest, funniest person.  I get my humor from her, and I do tend to be the life in a room.  I have loved men that turned out to be utter monsters.  Loved ones I couldn't have for one reason or another...and lost most of my friends in life.  I have tried to figure out why...what I was doing wrong and the only thing I can think of was I love too much.  I will do anything for someone I care about...things I don't want to do...be unhappy just to see them smile.  People take advantage of that.  People also take for granted the people who care about them.  Its human nature.

So anyway...here I am, thinking about my mom.  She is dying.  Slowly, not as fast as with cancer, but from a disease just the same.  She has emphysema, glycoma...acid reflux...God my poor mom.  she already has health problems from not getting enough oxygen.  That is what really drove home the fact that I am losing her.  Then she tells me and the family that when she can't breathe anymore, that's it.  She made us swear that we would not let the doctors hook her up to breathing machines.  So now, everyday, I look at this woman, who I love more than anything in this entire fucking world...and know that someday, I am going to have to watch her die a horrible death right before my eyes.  It fucking kills me.  I would do anything to trade places with her.  I try to make the most of each day...spend lots of time with her and make her smile...but I don't think I will make it without my mom.  What will I have left? 

I think of the only friend I really have.   Sometimes, I get so scared that I will say or do something wrong.  Every day, I thank God for her, but remind myself that I don't need to call her everyday.  I'm afraid of smothering her.  Of seeming too needy.  I distance myself, but then things just feel different.  I don't have a best friend.  Maybe I don't need one.  I have a "sister" and a mom.  One, I never see and the other one is slipping away from me.  I think of the friends I have lost.  Four to car accidents...some to life period.  Death sucks, it is the one thing that you can't chase away and it has always haunted me and my loved ones closely.  It may sound dramatic, but since I was 8, I have lost a total of 10 immediate family members and 4 very close friends. 

I have been listening to this song and God it ripps me up because it is how I feel about so many people in so many different ways.  Some I will never be able to reach out to again and say that to...I'm not normally a pop girl..nor do I care for boy bands at all, but this one touched my heart deeply.  Until next time...

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

It's ok B. We love you. Live is always rough and all we can do is band together to help each other slug it out.
;) Love Ya!!!!!

Brandy...I LOVE you...I ADORE you...and I am ALWAYS here for you! We couldn't be closer if we were Siamese Twins instead of Terror Twins!

Smother me??? ROFLMAO If only you knew how ridiculous that though was ...well then you would know how pathetic your friend can be. If you are NOT chatting or talking on the phone with me I am quietly pouting "Why?" "What did I do?" "Can the TT come out and play?" *pleads like the prag I am*

Call me when ever you want..day or night!As for the rest of the world...if they can't see how ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY FANTABULOUS my TT is then as Keller would say...FUCK YOU YA FUCKS!!!!

Thanks you guys. I feel like a boob for venting like that, but I HAD to. You both mean so much to me. Thanks for all of the understanding, patience, and putting up with my multiple personalities...errr...I mean muses. TT, ya know I love ya too. Like ya said before...someone HAD to seperate us because no mortal mother could handle both of us. ROFL...but you are like blood to me and Shari...life is better for even knowing ya. *huggs ya both*

Hey B yeah I know how you feel and it sux big time! My mom as you know has cancer and is going through chemotherapy and radiation right now. It's not easy to watch your mom get weak and only know that it will get worse. Not as in death so much but after the operation to remove the cancer she will have to go through major chemo for 3 months once a week for four hours at a time. I am close to my mom and have no one really except for her most of the time. We have our fights and they can get bad but in the end we always make up. These next few months are going to drain the hell out of me emotionally. Ok, enough about me I just wanted ya to know that I am always here for ya if u need to vent to someone. I am not sure what good I would be but I would do anything I could for you B. Take care sis, love ya!!! peace out...

Thank you so much sis. My heart goes out to you..it really does. I remember how freaked I was when they thought my mom had cancer. In the end, I guess it is all the same thing. You are always good to talk to...we laugh and there is always the cutenesses to talk about too. I will keep your mom in my thoughts and prayers sis, as well as your family. Hope Trade and Herbie are doing well. Hope I get to talk to ya sometimes soon too...I miss ya. Love ya too and peace!

B, we don't know each other well but I still do hope that with time we might get to know each other better. You seem like a lovely person and as you see, you're not alone! there are many people out there that are there for you when you need them!

Only recently we have lost a good friend of the family to cancer. It was a shock, especially since he's been struggling for quite a while. My granddad has cancer but is fighting. I don't even want to think of the day that he might loose the fight.

What I want to say is, I'm sorry to hear that your mum is so sick. Enjoy the time that you have with her to the fullest and don't feel like you're completely alone, you're not!

Love
Mel xxx